Reflections from 1 AM

To all the married folks out there I know that if you haven't already stumbled upon it in your marriage you will, an event or habit or series of situations that makes you ask yourself, "If I had know that [insert challenge here] was going to happen I don't know that I would have gotten married. It's the question my husband keeps asking me lately and whenever he asks I say, "of course I would have still married you" and I mean it. Then last night, following a bad night's sleep the night before, my son wakes up for no reason at 1 AM in the morning and is awake (and not happy) for an hour. As I sit rocking him, I think about that question and I realize that though I say the situation wouldn't have caused me to back out of marriage there are curses arising my heart towards my husband when the heat is really turned on, like at 1 AM in the morning. This troubled me because it matters what comes out of me when I am really squeezed and I realized that at the core this was not between my husband and me but between me and God. I remembered a Sunday school lesson I taught to grade school kids that when you squeeze an orange and orange juice comes out instead of grape jelly it's because what comes out is what is inside. I love my husband and I said yes for better or worse. Even to have my husband appreciate the difficulty of the situation and give me accolade's is not the point--it's what is in my heart. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self-control (and one other one). Today (and every day) that is the core of any difficult situation--am I walking moment by moment in the Spirit so that these things emanate from me even in the midst of struggle. I would rather have my son bask in the warmth of these things then experience the cold and sharp feelings of being the unjustified object of anger, frustration, and lack of patience.

"Do not let your growth in holiness depend on surrounding circumstances, but rather constrain those circumstances to minister to your growth. Beware of looking onward, or out of the present in any way, for the sanctification of your life. The only thing you can really control is the present--the actual moment that is passing by. Sanctify that from hour to hour, and you sanctify your whole life; but brood over the past, or project yourself into the future, and you will lose all. The little act of obedience, love, self-restraint, meekness, patience, devotion, offered to you actually, is all you can do now, and if you neglect that to fret about something else at a distance, you lose your real opportunity of serving God." [exerpt from H.L. Sidney Lear]